The Lesson
by Mother Mercury
Summary: The trio decide Snape is a prick, so they'll teach him a lesson. Snape decides upon a new idea to make Harry's life hell. Very stupid, but you'll love it. I know you will. Trust me...


I've had an epiphany. I spend far too long writing my stories. First I form a plot, develop it and whatnot. Well, I've realized that lots of the funniest fics come spur of the moment. So expect to see more stupid ones, just like this.

"Y'know what?" Harry said dully, as they made their way back up to the Gryffindor tower after a huge Christmas dinner.

"What?" Ron asked, letting rip to a huge, turkey scented fart.

"Snape's a prick." Harry replied, screwing up his nose, then letting out an even louder, potato scented fart.

"Yeah, he is." Ron agreed.

"I think so too." Hermione piped.

"We should teach him a lesson," said Harry.

"But, he teaches the lessons!" said Ron, wearing a confused look. 

"That's true. Too bad, eh?"

"Wait a minute, you two!" Hermione chimed. "We can teach him too."

"No we can't, Hermione. We're not professors! Silly lass."

"But, we can. I read about it in a book!"

"Go on, then, I want to hear more about this "student teaching". Pomegranate." The fat lady swung open to let them into the common room. Fred and George were in there, blowing stuff up and making a right old mess.

"All right, you three?" George called.

"We're going to teach Snape a lesson!" Ron informed them. "Because he's a prick."

"Don't be a prat, Ron," said Fred. "You're not professors, you can't teach." He rolled his eyes and turned back to his blowing up of stuff.

"Hermione says we can!" said Ron. "She read it in a book!"

"What?" George said in surprise. "A book? Hermione? C'mon then, tell us too!"

"Well," Hermione began, in a hushed voice. "What we've got to do is give him a dose of his own medicine."

"But, Snape doesn't take medicine," said Harry, disappointedly. "There goes that idea down the tubes. Oh well…"

"Not literally, Harry! Metaphorical medicine!"

"Listen, whatever disease Snape has, I don't want to know about it…"

"Harry! Honestly, don't you ever pay attention in English class?"

"We don't have English class."

"Oh, right. Well, as I was saying… we've just got to treat him like he treats us!" Hermione smiled widely.

"That's stupid," Ron told her.

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "Real dumb."

"No it's not!" said Fred. "It's brilliant! I don't know why we never thought of it before!"

"Be mean to Snape! What an amazing idea!" George agreed.

"You guys are loonies," Ron told them.

"I am not a loony!" Fred cried. "Now, let's get to planning…"

"Maybe it's not such a pants idea, Ron. It might be worth a try."

"Want in on it now, do you?" George asked.

"Uh, yeah."

"OK! The more the merrier…"

And with that, the five friends set about organizing their sinister plan for Professor Snape. What they didn't know was that at the very same time, Professor Snape was having a little conversation with himself…

"What other ways can I make Harry's life a living hell?" he pondered, rubbing his chin. "I could, uh…"

He thought for a minute.

"Turn him into a ferret!" He said proudly. "Oh, wait, that's been done…"

He thought a bit more.

"I could take off a hundred and fifty point in one go!… nope, that's been done too…"

He thought a little bit more.

"I could referee his Quidditch match and give the other team loads of penalty shots! Brilliant." He settled back into his seat, grinning broadly. "… yes, what a wonderful id… damn it! I've done that before too! Well, looks like I'll never be able to make his life any worse than it already is."

He sighed, and got up to put his pyjamas on.

"Unless… no, it's too simple… but, what if? I was nice to him? No, that would never work… or would it? He'd think something fishy was going on… he'd start investigating and get himself into trouble over nothing. That, or drive himself slowly insane…"

Severus decided this brilliant plan was a go ahead and began planning his attack.

The next day…

Severus left his office at eight o'clock the next morning for breakfast. He swept around the corner, obviously thinking too hard about being nice to Harry, he crashed into the real thing.

"Oops, sorry, professor!" Harry muttered, not looking up to see who it was.

"Oh, no, Harry, it was my fault." Severus forced a smile.

Harry looked up with surprise. He recomposed himself and said, "Too right you should be. Honestly, man, one would wonder if you've got any brains at all."

Severus was about to pounce, but restrained himself. "Yes, well, going down for breakfast are you?"

"Yes. What's it to you?"

"Oh, nothing. Would you care to walk with me?"

"Hell no! I don't want to be seen anywhere near scum like you!" Harry stormed off, Ron, Hermione, Fred and George behind him.

"You were great, Harry!" Fred told him, patting his shoulder.

"Totally! The look on his face!"

"Uh, am I the only one who noticed how nice he was being?" asked Harry.

"He was just shocked that you would speak to him that way, Harry!" Hermione was grinning broadly.

Boxing Day continued in this manner. Snape was as pleasant as pie, and Harry was a bitch. 

It carried on until the next day too, and the day after that, and the day after that. Into the new term, past Valentine's day and Easter, until the end of year exams. By then, Snape had become a self-conscious pansy and Harry was still a bitch. And this is how they carried on forever. 

Snape cried himself to sleep every night, feeling he wasn't good enough for anyone. He started washing his hair, and females were fawning for him any which way. Eventually, he quit his job at Hogwarts and became a male model. He got married a few years later to a beautiful woman called The Author Of This Story.

Harry's bitchiness carried over into how he treated everyone around him. Soon, he had no friends to speak of and even Dumbledore decided he'd had enough and expelled him. He was forced to live as a bum, with the occasional person remembering who he was and giving him an extra knut.

And the moral is - be nice. Snape decided to be nice, and look what happened to him. He became a model and married a beautiful woman. Harry wasn't nice, and he ended up as a bum, which isn't good. 

The End.


End file.
